The following derives from 23 & Me DNA testing and my sainted mother's ancestral research.
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My family tree is populated by thugs, misfits and writers.
On my father's side, King Macbeth, a.k.a. Macburgh, of Scotland (1005-1054), attained the throne by killing his rival in battle, only to suffer the same fate himself. William Shakespeare wrote a play portraying Macbeth as even worse than he was.
My great-great-great grandmother was a Native American, perhaps Oglala Sioux or Cherokee. I retain her cheekbones and her distrust of white people.
It is commonly believed that Scottish serial killer William Burke (1792-1868), who smothered his victims and sold their corpses for medical research, was hung in 1829. Not so -- Burke bribed a jailer to substitute another body at the gallows, and it is this man whose skeleton remains on view at Edinburgh Medical School. Not a creative person, William Burke changed his name to Bill Burk and immigrated to America, where he made a fortune as a post-Civil War carpetbagger. In addition to serving as my great-great grandfather, he was the grandfather of Billie Burke (1884-1970), my great-grandmother, who played Glinda the Good Witch of the North in "The Wizard of Oz." Unaware of Grandpa Bill's true history, she added an E to Burk because she thought it sounded classier.
Through my father's mother, a notable ancestor was the English literary polymath Dr. Samuel Johnson (1709-1784). The American branch of Dr. Johnson's family flourished, and I am proud to call businessman and former Lakers basketball star Earvin "Magic" Johnson my cousin.
Henry Johnson (1857-1937), my grandmother's father, was a food taster for Kaiser Wilhelm I of Prussia. After his employer survived four assassination attempts, Henry reconsidered his career and transplanted to Illinois and then Iowa, where he moved from an unprofitable occupation (farming) to a profitable one (insuring farmers).
On my mother's side, I descend from Samuel Clemens, a.k.a. Mark Twain (1835-1910), who went bankrupt as a result of authoring the greatest works of American fiction.
A very special member of my mother's family was the occultist Aleister Crowley (1875-1947), who invented heavy metal. Ozzy Osbourne launched his solo career in 1980 with a song about Mr. Crowley.
My father played baritone sax in the Naval Academy marching band, and my mother occasionally played organ in our neighborhood Catholic church. Those were the only people in 12,000 years of my family who knew anything about music. I am not related to Solomon Burke.
23 & Me reports that compared to the greater population, a very small proportion of my DNA comes from Neanderthals. That seems wrong. But the lab folks also wrongly say I should have lost scalp hair early, can tolerate lactose, have little hair on my upper back, and have wet ear wax. All this causes me to doubt science and history. Doubt myself, even.